BRUSH YOURSELF OFF AND GET BACK IN THE GAME

You may be wondering where I've been for the last few months or not, but I'm about to share with you the research I've been doing on compulsive overeating.  When I last left you I was down ten pounds after having healthy food delivered to me for a month.  It worked great, but, I must say I got bored with the 'gourmet food'.  I just like simple food!  You know, burgers, fries, steaks, fish, veggies....candy, cakes, cookies, ice cream....


Not wanting to gain the weight back, I did what I said I'd never do again.  I went back to Weightwatchers.  On Weightwatchers, one can eat what they want in moderation, and by counting points.....Easy!  I like it!   But once again, for the 28th time, after a few short weeks, it wasn't working for me.  I wanted more, I stopped diligently counting, and I didn't find time for the meetings.  So it was Sayonara Weightwatchers with me wishing I had bought stock in it years ago. 


It probably didn't help that I had company all summer.  My parents came to visit for six weeks, and then my nephew, and my brother, and the house was full, and the refrigerator was stocked full of things I shouldn't be eating, because, well, they're not compulsive eaters, so why should they have to suffer?  


Why can I take care of everyone else, but not myself?


Slowly, as I began to eat 'my way' again, the ten pounds came back on.  If I'm not going to change my lifestyle, then I'm doomed to stay overweight or yoyo for the rest of my life. I consistently forget that my way doesn't work!


Yesterday, a friend asked me, "What're you going to do, go from program to program?  And my answer is,  "Yes".   I have no choice.  Until I get to the point where I can revere my body on my own, and not want to put any more toxins or poisons, which for me, is defined by anything made up of sugar or any other white substances, I am probably going to go from program to program.  


 So here I am, in a new program, once again.  It's called "Lindora" in California, and in some places, "LEAN FOR LIFE".  They give you structured support and guidance, and a book to follow, also called "Lean for Life" if you're interested it is available at Rite Aid or your local drugstore.  I've started on 3 days of nothing but protein every two hours which gets your body in fatburning mode.  I kind of like it because I'm not hungry and their protein has some good 'sweet' and 'crunchy' stuff in it.   


I can tell you right now that this program will work.  I will tell you that every program works if you work the program.  In three days, I've already lost five pounds but that's not what's key here.  What's important is that I will persevere until I get to a place in my life where I know how to take care of me.  It's a life lesson.  It's a hard one but one worth fighting for.

I'm a Skinny Girl in a Fat Body

It's the truth.  Though most people feel fat even after they've lost weight, I don't feel fat.  I don't even know that I am fat until I see photos or look in the mirror.  Sometimes, even the mirror lies or maybe I lie to myself in the mirror.

Now today I did a Zumba class and I must say, the knees were creaking a bit...and I only made it 30 minutes...but it's a start for this Skinny Girl.

Anyway, you're probably wondering where I've been for the last few weeks after my gung ho crusade to lose weight by eating packaged foods of 12-1400 calories a day.    And I did lose 10 lbs.!  And then life happened again.  

I had two teenagers and a child visiting me for 10 days.  I carted them to the beach, to the Grove, looking for movie stars (evidently, I wasn't enough!), shopping, shopping, and more shopping, all the while trying to make sure they all ate 3 meals a day.     Did you know teenagers don't eat salad?  But they love chocolate!!!!   I think I'm still a teenager.    We got through it with me only gaining 2 lbs. but then there was Steve's  (my husband) hernia surgery.   Nerves, and stress, and caregiving.......and it's still going on.

So that's about two 1/2 weeks of craziness.....thank goodness it was only a 2 lb. gain!  And here's the good news.....yesterday, I decided to take care of myself.   I got up early, I went to the gym, and I took myself to Weightwatchers.   The truth is I failed WeightWatchers the last two times I tried it, but now there is no such thing as failure.  There is only moving forward, sometimes backwards, and then forward again.   I'll count the facocta points....it will help me remain conscious....that's what I'm going for.

Listen, there is no end to this.  It's a lifelong battle...so please try not to get annoyed or frustrated with me.  This is my disease...it beats the other addictions I've had.

For now,  I'm keeping my eye on the prize.  Five pounds....at a time.

Stick with me and let me hear from you!!!!

Did I really think I could eat just one???

Wow.  I must've been in a strange mood yesterday because I wrote that my plan was to eat one piece of sugar a day, and I meant it!   But as I've found out over and over again in the past ten years, I am not a normie.  I am unable to control the amount of my sugar intake.   Like the alcoholic who takes one drink, and never knows if that one drink is going to lead to two or three or five or six or two bottles, I also never know what eating one piece of cake is going to do to me.   Yesterday, it was three pieces of cake and a 1/2 of chocolate covered matzoh.  I could tell you the pieces of cake were small but it doesn't matter what size they were.  What matters is that I could not control myself.

I realize that I must surrender to my addiction.  I don't want to but I must.  I'm not ready to but I must.  I'll never be ready to but I must.  Tomorrow, my niece and nephew and my niece's bff arrive and I want to show them a good time.  The only way I can do that is if I'm in control of what I put in my mouth.  I'm not going to get down on myself, that's the one thing, I won't do.....I've had too many years of that.  What I am going to do is plan my meals and the frequency of them a little bit better.

I have found a wonderful website at which you can track your calories, your exercise, and journal.  I'm going to try and be more consistent in doing that.   The website, fyi, is  www.fatsecret.com and it's all free!  I highly recommend it to those trying to get on track as I am.

A little prayer might help, too.

CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAYS WITH OR WITHOUT SUGAR????

It's Passover, which conjures up deep-seated memories of Matzoh balls, Tsimmes, Brisket, Gefilte Fish, and Cold Cereal that tastes like cardboard.   I suppose for those celebrating Easter, it's Ham, yellow peeps and Jelly Beans????

On most Jewish holidays, there is preparation involved, but on Passover, there is more so than any other holiday.  One, we don't eat on our normal two sets of dishes (one for dairy products and one for meat)....no Passover comes with separate dishes (two sets), pans (two sets), silverware (two sets), not to mention the food that all the food we buys during this time must be labeled Kosher for Passover which costs double of what it usually costs.  Passover is celebrated for eight days and during this time we eat Matzoh instead of bread.  We don't eat any grains, or anything that is made with 'yeast'.

This is how I was raised.  It doesn't mean that I follow it so closely.  Except for this year.  This year I have a few of my brother's kids coming to stay with me for 10 days; my niece, her BFF, and my nephew and they keep Kosher.  So out of respect for them and their parents, I have koshered my kitchen.  I have done so mostly with food and paper products, but none the less, it has taken hours of time and work.  Don't get me wrong,  I'm thrilled everyone's coming and I wanted to do it just right.   So when my brother asked me the other day if I had a new can opener for Passover, I nearly lost it.   I mean, couldn't he see by my cupboards and fridge how much work and time and money I've put into this?

I ran out to get a new can opener because I aim to please.   Pleasing everyone else is great if you're a pleaser like me, but what I must not forget to do is to please myself.    And how do i do that?   Sugar.  Give me sugar.

I am three feet away from my cabinets where sugary treats await my family.   There are cakes, a jar of chocolate spread, chocolate covered matzohs......I mean, they're kids!!!!  

Here's how I'm going to please myself this holiday with or without sugar.

1.  I am eating whole wheat matzoh instead of regular matzoh.
2.  I am allowing myself one piece of something sugary per day.
3.  I am going to work out more days per week.
4.  I am going to eat smaller meals.
5.  I am going to drink lots of water.
6.  I am going to savor every bite and not eat mindlessly.
7.  I am going to stop eating when I'm full.
8.  If I really need a sweet, I'll try and turn to fruit, first.

If I can keep the 12 lbs. I've lost so far off during this busy time of family and different foods, I will feel great!!!!   When it's all over, I am going to continue with outside help, perhaps from Weightwatchers.

There is no time limit....only consciousness of what, when, and how I decide to eat.

I am defenseless against a chocolate chip cookie.

It's true.  I've lived in war torn countries, I've travelled far and wide and I've dined with movie stars, but put me in a chocolate chip cookie face off, and the cookie's going to win.  I knew even before I went last night that at this 'shmooze' for Children's Book Writers, there are always a slew of tasty treats.

At home, I finished my 'fresh diet' box, had my delicious key lime cheesecake slice, and took off for the meeting.  I felt satisfied and determined not to even look at the treats when I got there.  I planned to grab a bottled water and let the evening begin.  As I sat in the library with a slew of published children's book writers, I hardly glanced at the table, that is until someone brought in girl scout cookies, homemade cupcakes, and my worse poison, baked chocolate chip cookies.  

"No!" I screamed inside.  "You don't want that!"  But then that fragile part of me - the one that questions....am i good enough to be here....do i deserve....came into play and I became ravenous.  I couldn't concentrate on the story what was being read...all I could see now was the cookie..my cookie...waiting, wanting.   It didn't help that I had not brought one of my stories to be critiqued.  No, the truth is, that yesterday my dark side was showing, and that was my first red flag before I even came in contact with my nemesis.

I got on the scale yesterday morning to learn that I had hit the 10 lb. mark!  Yup, 10 lbs. down in one month.  All that work was paying off.  So why sabotage?  As a reward, perhaps?  Was I really just defenseless or did I forget what I want to do.  I want to be healthy, I want to be svelte, I want to have control over what I put in my mouth.

My husband asked me this morning, "What would you like for losing your first 10 lbs.?"   Isn't he amazing?

I told him, "You just gave it to me."

Now some of you who are not compulsive overeaters might think it was just a cookie.   But it wasn't.  It was my mind over matter.  Somehow, I must get inside myself and change the wiring around.  Not going to be easy, but I'm still determined. These ten pounds off feels good and though I have a long way to go, I can see that my bra is not as tight, there's a twinkle in my eye, and a little joy peeping out of my pores.

Once I finish writing this, I'm going to forget about the cookie and get back on the fast train to somewhere.   I AM NOT GOING TO DWELL ON WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.  I forgive myself and I move on.

I almost murdered a litterbug today!

It's an emotional day.  That's the problem with not compulsively overeating.  It forces me to feel emotions that I would rather not feel.  All I want to do today is eat because I'm feeling sad, lonely, misunderstood, fat, you name it.  I'm feeling it.   The victim of my wrath?  A Los Angeles Taxi Driver.  

As I was driving home from HOMEGOODS where I went to make myself feel better today, I saw this Taxi Driver throw some orange peels out of his window.  There is not much that makes me angrier than a litterbug.  Isn't the world dirty enough?  And who do you think you are to throw orange peels on my living room floor?  That's what it feels like.   I have a nose for litterbugs.  It seems a Higher Power puts them in my path so I can rant and rave and feel anxious.  

Somehow he saw me because when I rolled down my window and tried to scream at him, he took off. I followed him up Sepulveda as far as I could but my street turn was coming up and he wasn't worth it.  I did however get the big phone number off his cab along with his Taxi ID number.....Nyah ah ah!!!!

I called and raged at the woman who answered the phone. "ONE OF YOUR DRIVERS JUST LITTERED AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!   They transferred me to dispatch.  I ranted some more about  their driver throwing orange peels out his window.  She seemed to be as appalled as I was.  "Thank you," I said.  I then drove home where I had a Greek Salad for lunch.  I also had last night's dessert, and a few hours later, my cheesecake snack.  Remember, this is delivered food and part of my day.

I'm still hungry.  Nothing can fill me up today.  That's not exactly true.  I could probably fill myself up today if I could just acknowledge myself.  Hey, it was good I called the Cab company.  Hey, I called a few sick friends today.  I didn't eat all that I wanted to eat.  I bought nice things for the garden.  I took my husband to the doctor for his pre-surgical visit.  I did good things today!!!  Pat myself on the back, why don't I???   Why do I only feel worthy if someone else tells me I am.  I've got to find it within myself.

And on that note.....it's dinnertime.  

EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

I absolutely abhor when someone says to me "Everything in Moderation".   The truth is I don't know how to moderate or I would not be at the weight I'm at.

A friend of mine just came back from THE BIGGEST LOSER camp.   She spent an expensive week re-learning how to eat, eating less, exercising, and looking for an answer that can't be found.  One of the nutritionists/trainers said to her, and I'm paraphrasing, "You're not a sugar addict. You just need to learn how and what to eat and you can have sugar, too.  My friend, who I'll call Elsie, then explained what she does with sugar...that she could eat a whole box of doughnuts, not just one, and then go have an ice cream, and two big macs, and so on and so forth....

"Okay, the nutritionist said, "Maybe you are a sugar addict."  Hellooooooo!!!!

When are people who don't have a weight problem going to realize that sugar addiction is just as bad as heroin, or cigarette smoking, or an alcohol addiction?   Plus, sugar is harder to give up because we're  faced with food every day, all day.   Sugar addicts go through withdrawals, get headaches, panic, go out in the middle of the night for their fix. They have sleepless nights, mood swings, and go into depression when deprived of their 'drug' of choice.    

Many doctors, nutritionists, food therapists don't have a clue as to how to treat this addiction, mostly because they cannot even admit that it is one.   The only group I've ever come across who really owns up to this addiction, is a 12-step program - there are a few of them Food Addicts Anonymous, CEA HOW, OA,  et al.    I've been to all of them but when I want my sugar, I usually duck out.  Why?  Well, maybe because I can't be in the One Day at a Time mode.  Or because I still have not gotten to the crux of my addiction, and more honestly is I still want to think that somehow, somewhere there is a God and I don't have to spend the rest of my life without sugar.

That is why, right now, what I am trying to do by ordering food delivered in 5 days a week, is seeing if I can lose weight by having between 1200-1400 calories a day that include 'dessert'.  So far, it's been a little over two weeks.  I'm down 8 lbs. and that feels good but it's just a small scratch on the surface of my 60 lb. overweight body.   Stay tuned!!!!